Reporter vs. Drunk Guy

Most of the time when bystanders interfere with field reports, the reporter will handle it calmly, either ignoring the interloper or quickly cutting back to the studio. Fortunately for us, this is not the case here. This is obviously the culmination of an extended period of antagonism, which we don't see but was probably also hilarious. It seems like, "we can't get this guy to leave, but fuck it, LET'S DO IT LIVE!" But then the reporter loses his shit. It's priceless.



Two additional things worth appreciating:

1. The drunken fool appears to be alone. There's nobody egging him on, he's just such an asshole that he will ruin stuff solely for his own enjoyment.

2. The anchors' faces.


What happens in Vegas, AMIRITE? HUH? HUH?

Satan Rock

I'm not going to explain why this is crazy and wonderful, you're just going to have to trust me. The title should be indication enough. There's a whole lot of crazy in not a lot of time. The fact that this exists makes me want to buy a moving van and go into business with God.



If this is what Hell is gonna be like, I never want to go to that place.

(via)

Norm MacDonald on The Tonight Show

You may or may not know this, but Norm MacDonald is probably the funniest man in America. For proof, see here, here, and especially here. All of these are great, as any Norm MacDonald talk show appearance is, but that last one in particular is a transcendent comedy moment. His Bob Saget roast (link #2) is a close second. Anyway, he appeared on The Tonight Show last night. While not as classic as some of his other appearances, he still manages to tell some jokes about Winona Ryder and abuse his signature word, "whore."






If there is an online petition to get Norm MacDonald his own show, I will sign it.

On Hipsters and The Hold Steady

I've said this before, and now someone agrees with me. Therefore, I'm right. I don't want to hear the word "hipster" anymore.


To see this so you can actually read it, click here

If you don't know about Cat and Girl, you should. It's by a woman named Dorothy, and she is almost always right.


Another thing I'm right about but no one I know seems to agree with is that the Hold Steady are one of the best bands in the world. If you can't appreciate this band, I don't think you are capable of appreciation.

The Hold Steady - The Swish - buy it here

This isn't even one of their better songs, and it's still the best. It contains the line, "My name's Rick Danko but people call me One Hour Photo/ I got some dangerous chemicals." Let's see you write a punchline like that, hotshot. Just because something sounds like Bruce Springsteen and the Replacements and AC/DC doesn't mean you're not an asshole.

The Hold Steady has two shows at the Bowery Ballroom and two shows at the Music Hall of Williamsburg this week, and I am going to none of them. The first one is tonight. If for some reason you read this and are going to one of them, raise a toast to St. Joe Strummer for me. Just so you know, I was looking for a live video to post there, but the video I linked to instead is hilarious.

Fake Band Names

Today, while cleaning my room, I found some old papers, and one of them was a list of fake band names that my friends Dave and Riley made up. If I remember correctly, they came up with them while high during an SAT prep class. Now, everyone has a list of fake band names they think are hilarious (mine are School Bus, School Bus Disaster, the Cool Dads, Admiral Dad & the Admirable Dads, and Shep Smith & the Vengeance), but these go above and beyond the average fake band names. They are incredible feats of free association and nonlinear thought. The LOL per word ratio on these is about 1:1. At least, I think so. They may be too inside-jokey and arbitrary for anyone else to get, but what you need to understand while reading these is that there is nothing to get. The joke here is simply in the names themselves. So, without further ado, I give you the roster of my fake record label (My favorites in bold):

"Mustard, Bitch"
"Tater Clumps"
"Binky Mumps"
"Dick Musk"
"I Can Smell Doug's Dick Musk From Here"
"Snarler Booty"
"Frankie Muniz and his Ding Flingers*"
"Soda Poop"
"Fink Sprinkles"
"I'm So Sorry, Doug"
"No Dumpling"
"Black Stump"
"Sack Happy"
"Flute Nuts"
"Birch Lodge Fucknips"
"Spank Jesus"
"Samantha"
"Backseat Bangers"

For a list of real band names that will make you laugh for weeks, check out the AV Club's 2007 roundup of the year's worst band names. I read this list every few months when I'm bored, and it makes me crack up every time. Highlights include "The House That Gloria Vanderbilt," "Shoot For the Stars...And Kill Them," and "Happy Mother's Day, I Can't Read."

This band is on that list:

Batman vs. Predator - 20BUX

*This is a reference to the band Frankie and his Fingers.

...And Then There Was X

It must be hard being DMX. He just got out of jail, he is about to be sentenced, his house was placed in foreclosure and looted while he was in jail, he doesn't know who Barack Obama is, and he makes dog noises during sex. He seems to be at ODB-levels of crazy. On top of all that, he roller skates. Ruff Ryders Roll:



"It's not a motherfucking game! Skee-ball, over there in the corner, that's a motherfucking game!"

I shouldn't make fun of DMX, because even though he's a punk-ass roller-skating bitch, he'd still kill me. All they'd find of me is a small piece of my arm, but it wouldn't be easy to tell, because of the bomb.

DMX - Party Up (Up In Here)

Brat Pack/Phoenix Mashup

This is a mashup of footage from Brat Pack movies (you know, the 80s. Don't be nostalgic. You don't remember them) with the song "Lisztomania" by Phoenix. It works remarkably well. It's like synching up "The Wizard of Oz" with "Dark Side of the Moon." MINDZ BLOWN. But seriously, this is cool. The song is irresistibly infectious, as is Molly Ringwald's dancing. The same clip of her is used about five times, but it's ok, because she dances exactly how you should to this song.




Don't post Phoenix songs. Your post will get deleted. You can stream/buy the song here.

Bonus Video:
This is another mashup that is totally batshit and you'll love:



"I don't want to grab your dick, I just want to bake a cake without using the Metric system! Stop yelling at me!" Poor little pink-haired tween.

UPDATE:

I just came across this video, which is a bunch of Williamsburgers reenacting the first video posted here. It's kind of annoying, but also kind of cute. They're no Molly Ringwalds, that's for sure.

phoenix - lisztomania *brooklyn pack mashup* from ian parker on Vimeo.

Pick One

Check this out, it's really simple and really cool. All you have to do is choose which thing you prefer:

Pick One

Mary-Kate Olsen or the 1990s?

Exercise or Drinking?

Frank Sinatra or Hell?


Think it over...


Bonus Track:
Leftover Crack - Heroin or Suicide

Sexting: The Electronic Swine Flu Is Spreading!

Do y'all know about sexting? IITGRTAAUS911 (It Is The Greatest Threat Against America's Youth Since September 11th, 2001). Thank God the Fox news affiliate in Atlanta is here to warn parents about this horrible, totally real phenomenon. This is something that all of our children are doing on a regular basis. They're not kidding either; they are doing every single thing these acronyms spell out, and worse. Here are some Fox missed (I know because I send pictures of my dick to all my friends all the time):

COMF: Cum On My Face

PIMB: Poop In My Butt

GMART: Give Me A Rusty Trombone

(*): Clit Piercing

WOOF: Bulldog Eating Mayonnaise

80087355: Boobless

M/P: Let's Murder My Parents And Drive Around With Them In The Trunk For Four Days Before We Go Into The Desert And Have A Bonfire With Their Mutilated, Beginning-To-Decompose Bodies, Because Parents Don't Understand And Are So Stupid And We're Out Of Control Teenagers Who Actually Do Things Like This And This Is Not Some More Bullshit Media Alarmism

(That's one concise acronym!)

Can you think of any more they forgot?

Bonus Track:

The Offspring - The Kids Aren't Alright

Things were so simple back in 1998. Back then, all we had to worry about was our children shooting up their school after listening to Marilyn Manson.

Three Distractions

1. A cute animal video



That's really cute, right? Which brings me to my next thing

2. The best gif ever made

I apologize for not just posting the picture, something's not working right, but please please please follow the link. I promise you will not regret it. My only comment is LOLOLOL.

3. This is a song I like and have been listening to a lot that you should like and listen to a lot. Preferably Tapioca has a song called "Running Uphill" that has a similar title but that's the only similarity.

Kate Bush - Running Up That Hill

That's all. Now get back to work! Those finals aren't going to fail themselves!

Developing Story: "The Hipster Grifter"

I don't really know why I'm posting this, as it has nothing to do with me. It's just kind of a fascinating story, I think, because it involves real-life cinematic con-artistry. This woman, Kari Ferrell, moved to Brooklyn last summer, charmed and insinuated her way into social circles, and then lied about having cancer and all sorts of crazy shit. Then, when everyone Googled her, they found out that she was wanted on outstanding warrants in Utah. Weird. You don't think this sort of thing happens, right? Also, everybody seems to know her. Every comment on every one of these stories is somebody saying, "yeah, this girl did all the stuff to me that she did to everyone else." Maybe EVERYONE IS LYING?!?! I lied, too. I do know why I'm posting this: I have a theory that all girls with massive chest tattoos are crazy and you should stay away from them. This just proves my point. Some will yell scary threats at you in McDonald's, some will beat you up, some will steal your $60,000. So stay away. Validation! Here's a roundup of all the stories.

What a world.
Ol' Dirty Bastard - Brooklyn Zoo

b4-4 - "Get Down"

My friend Riley posted this video on my friend Gideon's wall:





Gideon's baffled, outraged response is almost the same as mine:

"Those guys are fucking scumbags/the one who only sings back up vocals in the black wifey is the scummiest/what the fuck is going on with this storyline?/ A young black kid and a homeless person are whisked away to a beach planet where androgynous queers are singing about oral sex?/ somehow both the homeless person and the black kid are better for this experience?/ the eight year old black kid, in a culmination of this viewmaster vision, can now dunk? Because he's black? because the music is so good? Because later someone male/female may go "down on him"? The kid is like six and he's dicking around on the beach with a football, some chicks and these mascara'ed out fucking losers?/ what the fuck was the director thinking? What the fuck was anyone thinking in the writing/production of that? unbelievable. That was appalling."

I just have a few things to add:

The homoerotic undertones of this video are quite striking. There are homoerotic elements to all boy bands, but these guys take it farther than any other. Specifically, the loving shots of the weightlifter, the gender neutrality of the lyrics, and the emphasis on the lyric "it's a GAYme of give and take." Subtlety! Actually, though, this song does kind of subtly slip some positive messages about equality into a mainstream song (b4-4 was somewhat popular in Canada, apparently) about how gay people are no different than anyone else: they are just as capable of making insipid, laughably terrible music as any straight idiot. Isn't there a group of powerful gay figures a la the Black Crusaders from 30 Rock who could have put a stop to this? Maybe they did. Boy bands are over now, aren't they?

Speaking of the Black Crusaders, they would take exception to the portrayal of black people in this video. As Gideon pointed out, the kid is good at basketball. That's a stereotype. The kid is also depicted as a pimp. That's an offensive stereotype. Did he turn out this way because he grew up without a father, because all black people grow up without fathers? Right, b4-4?

Furthermore, the inclusion of the kid in this video should offend anyone who is not a pedophile. Women love him, it is implied that men love him, and probably at the end of the shoot everyone 'got down' on him. There is no reason to expose a child to this sort of sexuality.

Finally, the expression is "go down," not "get down." If you're going to use a euphemism, at least make it different enough to make you not look like a fool.

Jeff Mangum Returns!

PSYCH!!!!



LICORICE!!!!

And here's an MP3 so you can listen to it on your iPod while you walk to class!

87Hizzetfield - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea

Today is cover day! I have work to do, but this is way more important! Being alive is so magical!

(via Videogum)

Breathing Shark/Prince - Purple Soundz

I made a collage of Prince songs. It's a tribute to one of my favorite artists, and an examination of some of the different things he's capable of. It's Deconstruction, y'all! Mostly, though, it's somewhat amusing, if I do say so myself. Girl Talk watch your back!



Breathing Shark/Prince - Purple Soundz

Worst Rapper Ever

OK, so I guess this has been around for awhile, but I just saw it, and I know you haven't, so here you go. This is a freestyle battle between one bad rapper and one dude who has cerebral palsy, maybe? It's hilarious, but it's also very sad. You'll feel bad about laughing at it, but you and I both know you're a terrible person, so just embrace it. Besides, this kid is the best. He said so. A bunch of times.





Best line about Rosie O'Donnell since "she wears underwear with dickholes in 'em."