Breathing Shark On the Radio

I've been home for the past week, so I've been driving a lot. When I'm driving, I usually listen to my iPod, but, painfully, it has been broken for about two months and I didn't even realize until a few days ago because I'm a big fucking asshole. So, instead, I've been listening to the radio, flipping back and forth between the two pop stations. At first I was not happy about this, but I got into it pretty quickly. There's some good stuff on the radio that I didn't know about, y'all! But I do now. And now I'm going to tell you what's good and what's bad, and you know I'm right because I'm a doctor. Of ROCK! (files via Mediafire)

Lady GaGa - Poker Face

I don't know much about Lady GaGa. I'd heard of her, but I didn't know this was her until after I'd heard it a couple of times. I don't think I want to know much more about Lady GaGa, because I have a feeling that any further information or music would be nowhere near as awesome as this song. It's a masterful update of sleek 80s electropop, with its vintage synths and Ms. GaGa's detached diva cool. It has about sixteen different hooks, and each one is catchier than the last. By the time it gets to the almost-rapped bridge, you're ready for it to be over so you can play it again. The lyrics have some clever gambling-based innuendo, and Jesus Christ every second of this song is the catchiest part. I can't get over it. My analytical faculties are being incapacitated by how much I'm enjoying this song.

Kelly Clarkson - My Life Would Suck Without You

Some might criticize Kelly Clarkson for shamelessly trying to replicate the success of "Since U Been Gone" with this song, and they would have a point. But, really, "Since U Been Gone" was the huge hit that almost everyone agreed was great in 2005. Why not try to do that again? While not of quite the same caliber, "My Life Would Suck Without You" is a worthy sequel to "Since U Been Gone," the forgiving make-up after the angry break-up. It hits the same pop-rock pleasure zones. Its big, slick guitars are refreshing to hear when they come on in the middle of a radio block after a deluge of indistinguishable electro crooners, as is Clarkson's seeming authenticity. She seems like one of the few genuinely human pop stars currently active, and not some record company automaton or masturbatory fantasy girl.

Busta Rhymes feat. Ron Browz - Arab Money

Before I heard this song, I thought it was by Souljah Boy's friend or whatever whose name is "Arab" (pronounced the redneck way), and about how he gets money and puts it away in safe investments so he has something to fall back on when he retires. Fortunately, I was wrong like a doo-doo head dummy (YA TRICK YA!). It's actually by Busta Rhymes and pretty funny. I'm not entirely sure why Busta Rhymes would release such a politically questionable song, but I give him a lot of credit for finding a new way to brag about how rich he is. To my knowledge, no rapper has ever compared himself to an oil sheik, but why not? They're wealthy dudes. It's clever, too, with lyrics about gambling with Arafat and making you bow down and make Salaat. I'm not sure how in on their own joke these performers are; maybe it's not clever at all and just stupid. In any case, it's always good to hear Busta Rhymes' careening, beat-devouring flow.

The best song is still "Single Ladies"




Metro Station - "Shake It"

The worst song is this piece of shit. Everything about it is horrible pandering, bandwagon-jumping idiocy. Like Katy Perry, Metro Station is trying to tap into the current electropop trend while still trying to appeal to the Warped Tour crowd. Unlike Katy Perry, Metro Station is fucking terrible. This song is too calculated, too overproduced, and too sleazy while not being sleazy enough. I mean, if you're going to be sleazy, at least be charming about it. This is just dumb. It's not dumb in a good way, like Katy Perry, and not even dumb in a so-bad-it's-good way. It's just dumb in a dumb-people-playing-a-lazy-pandering-mall-pop-song way. Seriously, these Metro Station guys are stupid. They were not trying too hard to write the mindless chorus of "shake shake, shake shake a-shake it," but even if they had tried really really hard, like, really put their black hearts and empty souls into it, dude, they couldn't have come up with something much better. Besides, Miley Cyrus' brother is one of the creepiest people I've ever seen.

By the way, I would have written about Katy Perry's "Hot 'N Cold" if it had played while I was listening. It's pretty much my favorite song, but I have to follow my own guidelines, which is stuff I heard on the radio this week. Sorry, Katy. You know I love you.